CHARACTER INTERVIEW

THE AUTHOR’S FAILED ATTEMPT AT INTERVIEWING ERVYN & LOCHAN

 

Location: Lava Lake District—the Scouts’ secret base (in the west of the Elven Country).

Time: April 22 2021

 

Recommendation: the interview will make the most sense after reading The Scouts.

AUTHOR: Thanks for agreeing to talk to me. My readers will love it.

ERVYN: *winks* No worries.

LOCHAN: *sulks* I didn’t agree.

 

AUTHOR: OK, let’s start easy. Name the first thing that comes to your head. What do you like?

ERVYN: Sweets. 

LOCHAN: Hot wax on my—

ERVYN: *coughs for thirty seconds straight*

 

AUTHOR: Name three things you hate.

ERVYN: Heat. Heat. Heat.

LOCHAN: People. Noise. Interviews.  

 

AUTHOR: When was the last time you saw your partner sad?

ERVYN: When Lochan couldn’t retrieve his favourite throwing knife from a body that fell off the cliff. No lie, he was on the verge of tears.  

LOCHAN: Last time Ervyn ran out of darhê.

 

AUTHOR: Name the place you’d like to do it where you haven’t so far. 

ERVYN: On horseback. 

LOCHAN: Heinnés’ study. 

Ervyn: What?

LOCHAN: What?

AUTHOR: ...?

 

AUTHOR: Favourite foods?

ERVYN: Pudding. And lots of it.

LOCHAN: Anything spicy and savoury. 

 

AUTHOR: Your partner’s best trait?

ERVYN: Humour.

LOCHAN: Patience.

 

AUTHOR: Your partner’s vice?

ERVYN: No such thing. He is perfection.

LOCHAN: *smirks* The fact that he thinks I’m perfection. 

 

*almighty commotion happening outside*

*Verhan opens the door and pops his head in*

VERHAN: Oi, whatcha lot doing?

ERVYN: Verhan, bugger off, will you? We’re busy talking to the Author. 

VERHAN: The Author? The bleeping Author who never gave Hernan and me a proper epilogue? Or even a sex scene? And just one kiss? That bleeping Author? The bleeping cheek! You can tell her to get bleeped and bleep off! 

 

AUTHOR: *facepalms and calls for the guards

AUTHOR: *wonders to herself* [What is Verhan even doing here? Shouldn’t he be in Asirhwÿn?] *checks her notes* [Is it some kind of unauthorised crossover?]

 

*three well-muscled Scouts manage to get Verhan out after a wee bit of struggle*

 

ERVYN: Sorry about that.

AUTHOR: It’s all right. I know your cousin can be a little… excitable. 

ERVYN: If I were you, though, I’d make sure that we get an epilogue. Long and happy, is all I’m saying. 

LOCHAN: *takes out a shuriken and starts playing with it* I know where you live. 

AUTHOR: *gives a nervous nod and gulps audibly*

 

AUTHOR: Shall we continue? Right, where were we… OK, so what do you do when you’re stressed?

ERVYN: I like repairing the fletching. It’s good for calming nerves.

LOCHAN: I go for a little run.

ERVYN: *chuckles* For three hours.

LOCHAN: *narrows his eyes*

 

AUTHOR: Favourite colour? 

ERVYN: Azure. *gazes into Lochan’s eyes*

LOCHAN: Black. *mumbles* These questions are stupid.

ERVYN: *cracks up*

 

AUTHOR: A cat or a dog person?

ERVYN: Dog.

LOCHAN: Cat.

AUTHOR: *under her breath* Why am I not surprised?

 

AUTHOR: How often do you quarrel?

ERVYN: *laughs* We don’t. How do you quarrel with someone who uses three words at a time?

LOCHAN: *sulks* Sometimes I use four.

 

AUTHOR: Favourite sports?

ERVYN: Archery and riding.

LOCHAN: *circles his hand in the air*

AUTHOR: *confused* I’m sorry? 

ERVYN: *sighs* He means all of it. Running. Running with a weighted vest. Free climbing. Wooden dummy training. Martial arts conditioning. Practising knife forms. Sparring. Blade throwing. Stretching and breathing exercises. More running. 

LOCHAN: *nods*

 

AUTHOR: Favourite thing to do?

ERVYN: Him.

LOCHAN: *blushes* Not being interviewed. 

 

*major shouting going on outside*

COMMANDER HEINNÉS: What the bleep is going on here? How did a civilian get in? This is a restricted military area. Who the bleep is on guard duty? Well, you two are in serious bleep! What? I don’t care if she’s the Author. Escort her off the base immediately!

 

*Ervyn and Lochan stand up*

ERVYN: Hm. We’d better go. The commander sounds well-pissed.

LOCHAN: *mutters to Ervyn* Thank the gods. She’s weird.

*they up and leave*

 

AUTHOR: Wait. What? Where are you going? We’ve barely started! I need this for my website. Come back, dammit!

 

*three guards enter the room*

GUARD 1: Ma’am, I need you to come with us now. Please don’t resist, or we will resort to force. 

AUTHOR: What the bleep? How very dare you? Like… shouldn’t I be the one who makes the rules? Aren’t I the Author, for bleep’s sake? 

 

*Guard 2 & Guard 3 restrain the Author while Guard 1 looks on*

AUTHOR: *totally loses it* It’s my universe, you bleeps! I’m like a god around here! I’ve created all of you miserable bleepers. Let me go, dammit. I’m talking to you, you big oafs! I’ve given you all those muscles, too! Help! Heeelp! Bleep it. Bleep!!!!!!